A Time and a Place for Adjectives and Adverbs

Do you remember when in grade school we had to diagram sentences and name the nouns and pronouns, adjectives, verbs and adverbs, prepositions and prepositional phrases?  I thought of one assignment in particular: "Write a descriptive paragraph using as many of the parts of speech as possible on a topic of choice for a five-minute exercise."  I couldn't remember any of the topics my English teacher gave us, so I wrote my own scene following her instructions.  I emphasized the POS (parts of speech tagging) as follows: nouns and pronouns, adjectives, and verbs and adverbs .  For my purposes here, I did not mark the prepositions or the prepositional phrases.  Here's the scene:

"Heat lightning flickered, like the tongue of a serpent,  across the murky night sky.  Megan Tayor stirred under the satin sheet uncomfortably aware of the sultry July air, and the threat of the pending summer storm.  Sheer bedroom curtains drooped at the sides of the opened window allowing the corner street-light's eerie glow to filter through the boughs of the tall spruce trees casting grotesque shadows on the wall.

Suddenly something startled Megan awake.  Instinctively she lay still, and listened.  An ominous sense of danger enveloped her like a sleeping bag with a broken zipper.  Her eyes slid to the silent television perched on the corner of her dresser, its screen rolling in crazy patterns.  Still holding the remote in her hand, she quietly clicked the button, and the TV turned ghostlike.

Lifting her head from the pillow, Megan strained to hear. A strange muffled sound came from the living room.  She swallowed hard, then opened her mouth as shallow spurts of air escaped.  Someone's in the house!"  (168 words)

This exercise would have done my teacher proud.  However, today it would give editors and publishers prickly hives!   Today's rule of thumb is: Seek clarity, accuracy and efficiency in prose above all. Mean what you say, and say exactly what you mean, as clearly and as compactly as possible.  In other words, "write tight," "use nouns and strong verbs," "use adjectives and adverbs sparingly," "try to eliminate the word 'was,'" and the sticker of all rules, "show, don't tell."

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to re-write the scene eliminating all unnecessary adjectives and adverbs.  Remember: Write tight/concise.  Show, don't tell.

Here's my revised version:

"Megan Tayor stirred under the sheet uncomfortably aware of the sultry air and pending storm. Half awake, she watched heat lightning flicker across the sky.  She squinted at grotesque shadows on the wall cast from  the street-light's glow through the spruce trees.

 

Suddenly Megan heard a muffled sound.  Her eyes pierced the darkness.  She  strained to hear.  She barely breathed.  Her eyes slid to the silent television perched on the corner of her dresser, its screen rolling in crazy patterns.  She heard the noise again.  Still holding the remote in her hand, she clicked the button, and the TV turned ghostlike.

Her heart beat wildly.  Beads of perspiration dotted her nose. 

Megan lifted her head from the pillow and listened. A muffled noise sounded  from the living room.  She swallowed hard, then opened her mouth as shallow spurts of air escaped.  Dear God, Someone's in the house!  (147 words)

I eliminated 21 words - mostly unnecessary adjectives and adverbs without loosing any tension or immediacy of the scene.  Go head.  Try your hand at it.  See if you can tighten up the scene even more. Practice this exercise in all your writing.

Remember: this works is all styles of writing - except maybe if you're writing an assigned 500 word descriptive paragraph for some writing class. 

Rita Kroon